How Someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder Shows Up In Relationships
It’s a game of give, take, and patience.
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What do you know about avoidant personality disorder? If you’re part of the 98% of Americans who *aren’t* afflicted by this unpleasant condition, that makes sense. However, if you’re one of the estimated 2.5% of the poulation who does battled with avoidant personality disorder, you’ll know just how hard life (and love) can be when you’re running from yourself.
As rare as it seems, more and more people are being diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder every day. What toll does it take on their lives? More importantly, how does it change their relationships and the families that they build? This becomes one of the biggest questions for the avoidant personality. How do you make love work when you have a pathological belief that you’re not worthy of love or taking up space?
What is avoidant personality disorder?
When it comes to the broad spectrum of personality disorders, avoidant personality disorder (AVPD) is a particularly tough one to deal with. People with AVPD struggle their entire lives with feelings of chronic inadequacy. Never really feeling comfortable in their own skin, they can be extremely sensitive to critcism and struggle to interact (healthily) with others.
While it falls into the “Cluster C” branch of personality disorders, which are centered around anxiety and fear. Because it is a personality disorder, those with AVPD demonstrate a pattern of behavior that impedes their quality of life and relationships for years and years.
Some of the classic signs of avoidant personality disorder can include:
- Having a poor self-image or seeing one’s self as inadequate or inferior
- Being overly concerned with criticism and disapproval
- Reluctant to get involved with others unless there is a guarantee of acceptance and approval
- Experiencing extreme fear in social settings and relationships. Might avoid activities or jobs that involve exposure to other people.
- Being shy and self-conscious in social situations due to a fear of doing something wrong or being humiliated
- Avoiding trying new things or taking on new challenges
If it sounds like social anxiety disorder (SAD), then you’re close — but not quite there.
When someone has a social anxiety disorder, their fears are linked to being perceived and judged by other people. They avoid social situations because they want to avoid that experience. People with AVPD are a little different.
They avoid social situations not from an anxiety of being seen or perceived, but from their pervasively low self-esteem. They don’t believe they are deserving or worthy of being around other people. They want to save other people exposure to them. Anxiety isn’t necessarily the core feature behind their avoidance of social situations.
How someone with avoidant personality disorder shows up in their relationships.
It can be incredibly hard, navigating a relationship with someone who is naturally fearful and avoidant. How do you navigate the challenges that come with a relationship? What do you do when death, infidelity, mistakes, and upsets come knocking?
Those are tough questions to answer when you’re in a relationship with someone who has AVPD. A relationship not for the weak of heart, it comes with unqiue challenges where security, communication, and emotions are concerned.
Conflict Hide-and-Seek
If there is one thing a person with AVPD doesn’t handle well in a relationship, it’s conflict. When faced with confrontation (minor or major) the partnner of someone with AVPD may notice them withdrawing emotionally and physically. They may opt for the silent treatment, or the may take the weekend to go and stay with their folks (no contact allowed). It’s scary for the person on the other side. They may feel uncertain about resolution or where they stand.
It’s not even just a matter of fights or confrontation. People with avoidant personality disorder may struggle to have any heavy or signficant conversations.
Because they are scared of the consequences of such conversations, you might find them lying about personal elements of their lives, or doing what they do best — avoiding the topic altogether. That avoidance breeds more shame and anxiety, which causes them to push the conversations about kids, moving, travel, money, and health further and further away over time.
Emotional Availability
Being in a relationship with an avoidant personality can feel like a constant game of hot and cold. One minute, they are there and totally present. You can feel how much they love you. The next minute, they disappear and you aren’t even sure you had a relationship at all. It can feel like they aren’t emotionally available all the time.
Everyone wants to be loved, valued, and considered in their partnerships, but avoidant personalities don’t always make their partners feel that way. Being vulnerable is to scary to them, so they have a habit of cultivating complicated defence mechanisms that distance the “danger” of love from them.
Some of those defense mechanisms can include:
- Inability to be vulnerable
- Hard time voicing their emotions
- Reluctance to seriously commit
- Hyper-independence or over self-reliance
- Numbing or unhealthy coping mechanisms
On the inside, the person with AVPD is struggling with their worth and their inability to show up the way they want. On the outside, their partner can wind up feeling isolated and unloved without the levels of affection they crave.
Weak Sense of Self
Insecurity is the big key pain point when we’re talking about the experience of avoidant personality disorder. The person with AVPD has a fundamental belief that they are less worthy or deserving than others. They have huge feelings of inadequacy, and their fear of ridicule runs right into the realm of rejection sensitive dysphoria.
That makes it even harder for them to communicate their feelings. They may have the deepest love in the world, but voicing it becomes close to impossible. Owning their perspectives is something that takes time — and a lot of trust — to do, so their partners have to be incredibly patient and play the long game in bringing them out of their shells.
What is the best way to deal with avoidant personality disorder?
Is there any way to navigate these muddy waters? How do you make it work with someone who has avoidant personality disorder? It’s not an easy answer, as it takes both sides of the equation to work. First, the partner with AVPD has to take accountability and make a realistic shift. Then their partner has to do the same where their needs and boundaries are concerned.
For the Person with AVPD:
There’s little doubt that the person with avoidant personality disorder struggles. Living life with low self-esteem is miserable. It leaves them at an eternal disadvantage and always struggling to get on an even footing with their peers.
Still, improvement is possible and relationships can be managed if the person with AVPD is willing to:
- Get serious and get serious help
- Learn how to be gentle with yourself
- Give yourself a reality check
There is no correcting a personality disorder without being serious with ourselves. There’s a degree of honesty that has to happen. What’s going on? What’s at the root? What do you see when you look at the mirror? The person with AVPD first has to question and admit that they might have avoidant personality disorder, then they can find professional help to unwork the patterns of dysfunction they’ve adopted over time.
As serious as the work is that you’re doing, the person with AVPD also has to learn how to be gentle with themselves. You are who you are, and hating that person won’t fix them. As long as you as doing the work to improve, give yourself a little grace. You’re learning how to be a better person, and that comes with both triumphs and failures.
Most importantly, the person with AVPD has to give themselves a hard-to-swallow reality check that no one else will. That reality check is this. If you don’t get help, it’s never going to get better. You will spend of the rest of your life choking on your words and drowning in your relationships until you address the problem and find a way to work past your wounds. You and you alone can find your peace.
For the Partner or Spouse:
What about the partner or spouse of the person with AVPD? What can they do to hold their own in the relationship? It’s not an easy road to walk either. They have to have a strong sense of self, as well as a clear vision of what their relationship is working toward.
Beyond that it’s important that you, as a partner of someone with avoidant personality disorder, makes an effort to:
- Don’t let yourself walk on eggshells
- Get creative in meeting your needs
- Find someone who knows what’s up
Things change when your partner has a personality disorder. Once there’s a diagnosis involved, partners are prone to treat one another differently. It’s important that you, as the partner of someone with AVPD, don’t let yourself get trapped into walking on eggshells. Someone’s diagnosis is not license for you (or them) to deny your boundaries and your non-negotiable needs.
If you’re someone who is relatively independent, then dating or marrying someone with an avoidant personality might work for you. Still, you need to get creative when it comes to ensuring your social and emotional needs are met. That could look like spending more time with friends and family, or adopting a shelter pet. What’s important is finding the balance and making sure you don’t feel denied.
Last but not least, make sure you’re connecting yourself with people who understand what you’re going through. First and foremost that should look like a therapist or qualified mental health specialist. They can show you how to support your partner and keep your needs in focus. Then, expand that. Find yourself a group who supports you and who can lift you up through the process of supporting your partner with AVPD.
Living with avoidant personality disorder can feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, especially in relationships. Avoiding conflict, struggling with low self-esteem, and finding it hard to be emotionally open can create a cycle that’s tough to break. But remember, you’re not alone in this.
With self-awareness, therapy, and support from loved ones, it’s possible to foster healthier connections. It’s about taking small steps toward vulnerability, knowing that relationships thrive on honesty, not perfection.
Navigating relationships with avoidant personality disorder can definitely be a challenge, but it’s not a dead end. Conflict doesn’t have to be scary, and opening up emotionally can be a gradual process. It’s okay to ask for help, whether from a therapist or a trusted friend, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Growth happens one moment at a time, and over time, it’s possible to create relationships where you feel safe, valued, and emotionally present.
Lampe L, Malhi GS. Avoidant personality disorder: current insights. Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2018 Mar 8;11:55–66. doi: 10.2147/PRBM.S121073. PMID: 29563846; PMCID: PMC5848673.
© E.B. Johnson 2024
I am a writer, NLP coach, and podcaster who helps survivors build more fulfilling lives. Join my mailing list for weekly advice on life, love, and healing from a traumatic past. Or, apply to work with me here.
